Old People Suck

My neighbor is deaf as a stone (and old as time itself). Normally, this would not be a problem, because everyone has a right to be old, and lots of people are deaf. The problem is, I am not deaf. And I am slowly becoming convinced that my neighbor is either completely daft and a total insomniac, or is committing herself to some sort of geriatric jihad against anyone under 80, myself in particular. The problem is, her living room window is about five feet from my bedroom window and every time she turns on her television, I can hear it. I can hear it because she cranks the volume up to the decimal equivalent of either a jumbo jet or a Metallica concert. And I never know when exactly it will happen. Sometimes, it's at midnight. Other times, very early in the morning (this is usually on weekends, when anyone who is NOT 80 and has at least a few of their original teeth tries to sleep past 7am). Last night, however, she started blasting QVC at 3:50am. I nearly leapt out of bed. It was like when the Marines were trying to force Manuel Noriega from his Panama stronghold. It worked with Manuel, and this morning Ruth almost forced me from my f****ing stronghold. I sincerely doubt that Ruth is able to use a credit card (and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even know what a credit card was). Yet she somehow needed to know about excercise equipment before 4 in the morning. She probably hasn't exercised since FDR was president. But I have a plan to exact my revenge (asking her to turn the TV down would be too easy). She has one of those gnomes in her backyard. So each day I'm going to move it a little closer to her house. At the same time, I'm going to start calling her using a German accent and tell her I'm the gnome, and I'm coming for her. Something her ancestors did back in the old country (which I suspect is Transylvania). But if that doesn't work, maybe I'll just unplug her TV. It'd probably take her a month to figure it out...