Eau de Salmon

For the most part, I'm not really squeamish about anything. There are, however, certain things that make me want to just HURL. I use one of those earpiece headset phones at work, and it works pretty well. It picks up pins dropping on the other end. Anyway, what it also picks up is these disgusting freaking customers that feel the need to take a huge bite of something just before they call you. So you're treated to one, the pleasure of talking to a card-carrying moron, and two, hearing them try to force words through a mouthful of sandwich. I can feel chunks rising just thinking about it. Even worse are what I call the "hard candy" people. These animals make me want to puke into my wastebasket. They pop a butterscotch or something like that into their mouth and you get to hear the darn thing rolling around while they're talking and collecting spit, clicking against whatever teeth still desperately cling to their blackened gums. It's all a cracker can do to keep his lunch down.

I thought those were the most disgusting things I would ever have to deal with, and they were, until last night. Deanna came home late, creeping out of the darkness like she usually does, and I thought OK, well, she lives here. I guess she can come home if she wants. Anyway, she decides she's going to make herself some dinner. I thought it would be some giant, weird looking cactus salad with pine nuts and coffee grounds sprinkled on the top. The kind of crap she usually devours with gusto. Alas, it was not. Last night, Deanna decided to have a salmon burger. This is something with such a profoundly disgusting stench, it could make satan himself toss his cookies. Try to imagine olfactory evil of such power that you could feel the mucus retreating from your nasal membranes to escape the horror. I don't know what was worse--the smell of the frying "burger," or the thought of someone eating it.

And why call it a burger? It's not a burger. It's ground up salmon shaped into patty-form. A burger is made from ground BEEF, or some other type of bovine, like perhaps a buffalo. Not an ostrich, or emu, or freaking fish. I could almost stand it if it had been a vegetarian thing. Like she didn't want to eat meat because of the way cows were represented in the last election or something. But SALMON BURGERS? Honestly. Por que? I think she tries to find the weirdest crap possible to eat, just because that way she looks like she's being healthy or natural. I can imagine her going to the meat section at Trader Joe's (which is like Mecca or Lourdes for D-funk) and asking for filet of alien, and asking them if there was any way they could make it stink because things that stink are healthier. Take the cheese currently decaying in the vegetable crisper. I submit to you that if the former milk product in question has begun to sprout freaking truffles, has changed color, and smells like a week-old dead hillbilly it has ceased to be cheese. People on "Fear Factor" wouldn't eat the crap she tosses in her pie-hole.

I almost want to patronize one of those gourmet meat stores that sells horsemeat and put some in the freezer, and wait for the hilarity to ensue...

salmon burgers, for crying out loud....