Braveheart VS Pretty Woman
In the interest of fairness, since Braveheart obliterated Alexander, I thought I'd match it up against a movie that could actually give it some competition. That's right. Braveheart VS Pretty Woman. Categories will remain at 5, but have changed slightly since the previous bout.
MAIN CHARACTER:
Braveheart has William Wallace, Scottish hero/martyr who was screwed by King Edward and assorted Scottish nobles.
Pretty Woman has Vivian Ward, American hooker, screwed by the highest bidder. Or the lowest bidder. By all bidders, actually. It's in her job description.
Advantage: Pretty Woman. I respect a hero that trades sex for money. I hope Richard Gere always has to pay for sex. He's a tool.
SHOPPING SCENE:
In Braveheart, William Wallace's father pulls a sword from under the straw roof of his house.
In Pretty Woman, Vivian goes on a spree with Richard Gere's whore-mongering ass running interference. Eviscerates shop girls who wouldn't help her when she wore her "work clothes."
Advantage: Pretty Woman. Twelfth century Scots couldn't shop for CRAP.
TORTURE SCENE:
In Braveheart, William Wallace is racked, hung, castrated, disemboweled, and beheaded.
In Pretty Woman, Richard Gere's character plays the piano.
Advantage: Pretty Woman. Gere's piano playing sounds like a schizophrenic running up and down a stairwell and screaming while throwing double handfuls of silverware at the floor every few seconds to hear if the echo is different. It made me want to kill him and then myself.
SIDEKICK/COHORT:
In Braveheart, you get Hamish, the giant axe-wielding Scotsman, and Stephen, the wisecracking rotten toothed Irishman. Both kick loads of ass.
In Pretty woman, you get the manners teaching Hotel Manager and Vivian's benchwarming hooker friend. Both tools.
Advantage: Braveheart. Chopping and stabbing is way more entertaining than streetwalking and complaining about it.
VILLAIN:
In Braveheart, you get the evil English King, Edward Longshanks. He pimp slaps his gay son, throws his man-whore out a window, and refuses Wallace life imprisonment without parole.
In Pretty Woman, you get Jason Alexander, Richard Gere's smarmy, perverse little lawyer. Pimp slaps Vivian.
ADVANTAGE:
Neither. I would've tossed that guy out the window, too. He looked like Harry Hamlin from that old show LA Law. Hated that show. And regarding Jason Alexander, I wanted to slap Vivian, too. She was dumb. Cried all the time. Complained about how tough it was to be a prostitute. Hello! You're a hooker! If you wanted easy, you should've worked at a 7/11 or something. So TIE.
FINAL SCORE:
BRAVEHEART: 1
PRETTY WOMAN:3
1 tie. So congratulations to Pretty Woman. We'll see how Julia holds up next week.
MAIN CHARACTER:
Braveheart has William Wallace, Scottish hero/martyr who was screwed by King Edward and assorted Scottish nobles.
Pretty Woman has Vivian Ward, American hooker, screwed by the highest bidder. Or the lowest bidder. By all bidders, actually. It's in her job description.
Advantage: Pretty Woman. I respect a hero that trades sex for money. I hope Richard Gere always has to pay for sex. He's a tool.
SHOPPING SCENE:
In Braveheart, William Wallace's father pulls a sword from under the straw roof of his house.
In Pretty Woman, Vivian goes on a spree with Richard Gere's whore-mongering ass running interference. Eviscerates shop girls who wouldn't help her when she wore her "work clothes."
Advantage: Pretty Woman. Twelfth century Scots couldn't shop for CRAP.
TORTURE SCENE:
In Braveheart, William Wallace is racked, hung, castrated, disemboweled, and beheaded.
In Pretty Woman, Richard Gere's character plays the piano.
Advantage: Pretty Woman. Gere's piano playing sounds like a schizophrenic running up and down a stairwell and screaming while throwing double handfuls of silverware at the floor every few seconds to hear if the echo is different. It made me want to kill him and then myself.
SIDEKICK/COHORT:
In Braveheart, you get Hamish, the giant axe-wielding Scotsman, and Stephen, the wisecracking rotten toothed Irishman. Both kick loads of ass.
In Pretty woman, you get the manners teaching Hotel Manager and Vivian's benchwarming hooker friend. Both tools.
Advantage: Braveheart. Chopping and stabbing is way more entertaining than streetwalking and complaining about it.
VILLAIN:
In Braveheart, you get the evil English King, Edward Longshanks. He pimp slaps his gay son, throws his man-whore out a window, and refuses Wallace life imprisonment without parole.
In Pretty Woman, you get Jason Alexander, Richard Gere's smarmy, perverse little lawyer. Pimp slaps Vivian.
ADVANTAGE:
Neither. I would've tossed that guy out the window, too. He looked like Harry Hamlin from that old show LA Law. Hated that show. And regarding Jason Alexander, I wanted to slap Vivian, too. She was dumb. Cried all the time. Complained about how tough it was to be a prostitute. Hello! You're a hooker! If you wanted easy, you should've worked at a 7/11 or something. So TIE.
FINAL SCORE:
BRAVEHEART: 1
PRETTY WOMAN:3
1 tie. So congratulations to Pretty Woman. We'll see how Julia holds up next week.
posted by Anonymous at 12:58 PM
1 Comments:
It could all be summed up by this...William Wallace and his army of 20,000 angry Scots on one side, Julia Roberts and her gi-normous mouth on the other side. The field of battle...Falkirk.
We know she would not be intimidated by an army full of hicks with bad hair, she slept with Lyle Lovett for Pete's sake. A woman that can do that is afraid of nothing.
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