Braveheart VS Alexander

OK, most of you know I'm a huge movie geek. Today when I was walking the only canine member of Friends Diego, I was thinking about how much the Movie Braveheart kicks ass. I think it was because when the dog burst out of the front door, the first thought that occurred to me was, "Freeeeedooommmmm..."

Anyway, thinking about Braveheart made me think that in comparison, a great many movies really suck hugely. So beginning today, I will subject certain movies to the Braveheart taste test, beginning with the suck-tastic epic, Alexander. Films will be judged in 5 categories.

Hero:

Braveheart: you have William Wallace, Scottish warrior/martyr, who led his people to freedom from the British despot, Edward Longshanks.

Alexander: you have Alexander the Great, Macedonian king and turd burglar, who led his people on an arrogance fueled exercise in futility to conquer every inch of the world, ending in startvation and death by Elephant for many of them.

Advantage: Braveheart

Villain:

Braveheart: the ruthless "Longshanks," who beats his callow son down and throws his boyfriend out a window for impertinence.

Alexander: you get a bunch of elephant riding Persians, but the real villian is Alexander's fluctuating sexuality. Belly dancer, or Second in command. Decisions, decisions.

Advantage: Braveheart

Hot Female Characters:

Braveheart: you get Wallace's wife, who gets her throat cut in the second reel, and the French princess. The Princess is hot, but she is French, and there's no excuse for rudeness and frog-eating.

Alexander: you get Rosario Dawson as a belly dancer/queen who tries to steal Alexander from from Jared Leto. Also, ANGELINA JOLIE as queen someone or other. Her name doesn't matter, and her hotness is beyond reproach.

Advantage: Alexander

Action Content:

Braveheart: Carnage throughout, including decapitation and crotch splitting. Battles, battles, battles.

Alexander: Homoerotic tension throughout, two battles. I think. I fell asleep halfway through.

Advantage: Braveheart

Crazy Irish Guy:

Braveheart: David O'Hara as Stephen. Hilarious, and really bad teeth. Administers the aforementioned crotch splitting.

Alexander: Colin Farrell as Alexander. Beatiful teeth and blow dried hair. Makes out with Jared Leto. Might as well have put a gun to his career and pulled the trigger.

Advantage: Braveheart

Braveheart wins! 4 to 1!